Now Over Next by Hope Reagan Harris

 


Fun fact about me:
I want to experience every single thing that this world has available to me. All of it. Preferably at once. I don't want to miss a single thing. I want to see all the places. I want to meet all the people. I want the morning breakfast and the late night Denny's and dancing in the rain and couch snuggles with a movie and spontaneous trips and surprise parties. All of it. 

I'm also a very socially awkward, neurodivergent female. That's the first time that I have typed that descriptor about myself. But it is true. Social situations are painfully hard, especially the first time. I open mouth and insert foot more than I can count in a hundred years. I am weird. My passions (autocorrect fixed that to fashions the first time - also accurate) are deep and long and rarely anything anyone else would care to hear about. I have practiced being normal for a very long time now. I mimic actions, I copy phrases. I survived. This difference of mine (because now we are all to embrace our differences) tends to leave me excluded. Maybe not on purpose. 

In my quest for the perfect marriage I got the exact opposite. The things in life that I was supposed to experience and enjoy were frequent nightmares that I was just trying to get through. This problem persists for me. I don't experience the world the same way others do. I want to, but I don't. My perfectly thought out plans almost never meet reality.

A few years ago I first heard the phrase "fear of missing out" (FOMO) and I thought "yes!!!! That is exactly what I have felt all these years!". Life is full of choices and if you chose one thing, you are automatically not choosing the others. Right? When given a choice you can usually only experience the one thing. If I chose to not have a child and chose to not become close to children in my extended life then I can never experience anything close to parenthood. Makes sense? So I would choose to do one thing (be a stay-at-home-mom) and then be jealous of working moms who got to be adults and had control of the finances that they earned. I wanted to have children and be a very involved part of their lives, but that meant I didn't get to go out on a weekend evening or go on solo or couple trips very often. 

The thing is though, that in watching others, (and boy did I constantly watch others) I learned that it wasn't always all or nothing. It had just been all or nothing for me. That took some time to unpack with a counselor after my divorce. Anyway, now that I feel like I have control over most of my circumstances, I have discovered that you can experience many more things, but maybe you aren't supposed to. Know what I mean? (for example, internet dating)

Anyway, this is something that I struggle with, so much that it is frequently paralyzing me. The above book came across my path. In the book, the author, Hope, shares about keeping your focus on Jesus. Just on Jesus. Not on all the things, literally all the things that are options in this world, and being open to following his leading. There are journaling questions and scripture and so many good things in this book. 

However, this book isn't exactly what I was looking for. I was looking for a book to tell me how to handle when friends don't include you, or your ideas are frowned upon, or you just want to be yourself in a world that can't really handle that. That's not what this is. Maybe it's a start though. If I can love myself and keep my eyes on Jesus, maybe my feelings will settle and I will begin to be able to recognize that there is still so much for me to experience in this world. I haven't squandered every opportunity. There are some things that I can never get back, but there will be new experiences for me. I am sure of it now. There will be for you also. 

Even though it wasn't exactly what I was looking for, I wholeheartedly recommend this book. It is full of hope in a world that frequently doesn't hold much hope for some of us. I'm positive that you can get something out of it. 

Happy reading!

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