Psalm 147:3

 I am a teacher. 

I suppose I always have been. 

Teaching is not the same profession as it has been historically. I've only been a professional teacher for three years and so many things have changed even in that short period of time. 

I should be accustomed to change, as there have been so many in the last five years.....A change in my mindset.....a change in my wishes for my children and my future. My circumstances changed as did my name, address, phone number and vocation.  

Once upon a time I had created a fictional story. One that I felt was palatable to the world and that portrayed me in the way I wished to be portrayed. I was a stay-at-home mom. I was actively raising my children, homeschooling, homesteading. Things are not always as they seem.

When the underneath parts were no longer sustainable, I was forced to change. I'm still a mom, but now I am a single working mom. I "homestead" as much as I am able and I am always learning new things but the majority of my time is spent differently now. Time and money are interrelated commodities that are never in large enough supply.

I work, hard, every day. I completed my bachelor's degree and master's in the last five years while working a full-time job plus some others. I have a lot to be proud of. My family is very supportive and generous with their time and resources. Because of them, I have a beautiful home that I am beginning to mold into exactly what I have always wanted. 

Giving up dreams is difficult though. Sometimes those wishes are hard to describe. Sometimes they come, unbidden, on tears in the middle of the night. Sometimes they take the shape of an elderly couple holding hands while enjoying the sunshine or a couple tucked into a booth at a restaurant sharing secrets and little bits about their day. I don't always know what my wish is or if it will ever come to pass.

I keep scripture posted on the wall above my desk. Today I read Psalm 147:3....He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Motherhood has been difficult lately. I am the only one that can carry the burdens of my children and I frequently feel that I am doing an inadequate job. My children have been faced with difficult things in the past five years, and those difficulties don't stop just because I wish them to. I wish I could heal the broken hearts and bandage the wounds of my children. 

I do know that God is faithful. As I have held my children this week, I know that God is also holding me.

When I read a little further, I find that (v. 11) The Lord's delight is in those who fear him, those who put their hope in his unfailing love. That is my goal for today......I will put my hope in his unfailing love.