Things Are Not Always As They Seem

 I think that we understand that things, especially on social media, are not always as they seem. It's very easy to create a public life that we want others to see. I think that it is important to note that things aren't always what they seem in the glimpses of private lives that you see either. That smiling mother at church......she may be afraid to go home. That quiet child in Sunday school or at public school? He may have been coached to not talk about what happens at home and fears to mess up so stays silent about everything. You admire her skill at creating a meal from things she has grown at home.....maybe she has no other choice. He has a great, stable job......but keeps such a tight control on things that they live like paupers. You wouldn't know though, would you? Even if you saw things that didn't quite match.....its much easier to just go along. Don't rock the boat. If there's a problem, someone else can reach out. There are people for that, right?

Last summer I stood with a police officer, being screamed at, being threatened, with my children now in my car (they had seen even more and suffered abuse at the hands of the person that was supposed to forever protect them) and with tears streaming down my face asked the officer what I was supposed to do now. I had no idea. I didn't know what options for my safety were available to me. I had managed to (with the help of friends) get myself out and set myself up with a safe place to live (safe as long as he decided not to show up). My children had to endure terrible things though after I left and the court system, the guardian ad litem, the mediators, DCFS.....they can't do anything until it's very visible. Nothing can be done until the police show up. Even then, nothing can be done without witnesses. Thank God for witnesses that were willing to stand up and tell what they saw. They had to do it again, and again, and again....to every new case worker, lawyer, judge, state's attorney. They were rock stars, taking off work to stand beside me and take a stand. So many people were not willing to do that and I am so grateful for them.  I am so grateful for the counsel of that police officer. He gave me a card with phone numbers of resources. He told me what I needed to do and how to do it. Even then, the judicial system failed us and I had to go twice for an order of protection. Even with a police report, witnesses and a history of abuse. It took twice to get the OP. In the meantime, the charges against him were pleaded down......the state's attorney didn't want his life to be ruined over this bad decision. DCFS took forever. In the end, my lawyer was the one who got my children established permanently in my care, safely surrounded by supervisors for visitations. I thank God every day for my lawyer. 

When I left that situation my friends gave me a few months and then they quit wanting to hear about the angst that I was still enduring daily. The uncertainty that was my daily life. The constant worry for my children when they were in his care (because I KNEW what he was doing there). They would say things like "you need to be happy, you are safe now". Am I? He could break down the door. I've seen that happen. He could corner me in a parking lot (happened). They would say "there are now rules in place for his contact with this kids". Yes, there were but that didn't stop him from kidnapping my daughter. I don't know how many times I have to say that he doesn't follow rules, he thinks they don't apply. But they didn't want to hear about it. Do you know how alone that makes you feel? I'm mom alone, protector alone, provider alone (for almost 18 months - thank goodness for automatic withdrawal of child support from his paycheck - he STILL doesn't pay expenses that he agreed to split). And then there is no one that you can safely vent to. More alone. Go to church. Churches are not welcoming places for single moms. I can't go to your Bible study....I'm either working my 3rd job, spending time with my kids or sleeping. I think I deserve some sleep. I don't get much but I deserve it. So no one to discuss the hard things with. I found new friends. Friends that understand that life isn't fair and there are still very hard days. Like when he doesn't respect the restraining order and shows up to my house. Or when he refuses to pay expenses and I have to cover for him so that my kids can continue to get medical/dental/vision care, go to school and enjoy their extra curricular activities. 

Finally, I managed to graduate with a bachelor's in special education. So now I earn enough that we don't qualify for the financial support from the state and federal government. Thank goodness I'm a saver. 

Life is lonely. I'm all the kids have now. Their father doesn't like that he is required to have supervised visits and that the supervisor can't be the person that allowed the abuse to continue so he just doesn't see the kids. I'm the sole disciplinarian. I'm the sole shoulder to cry on. I'm the only one to make meals, wash laundry and pick up after them. I'm it. I'm their person. I also don't go out. I am grateful when someone asks me to spend adult time with them. I'm grateful when I can spend time with friends and my children are invited. I'm grateful for friends that didn't turn their backs on my children when things were hard and they were trying to sort themselves out in the middle of this nightmare. 

It's been a very long road to get here and I am still sooooo messed up. Nightmares, anxiety attacks, insomnia, depression. All the things still plague me, but I get up and give 100% to whatever needs my attention that day. I try to do it with a smile on my face so that my kids don't see how hard it is. I try not to overburden any one friend with too much at one time - because I know it is a huge burden to bear. 

I've waited a long time for the people who claim to love me to treat me like they do. I finally decided that I will just treat myself the way I deserve to be treated. So I buy myself gifts - the things that traditionally husbands or partners buy. And I give myself time off. And I give myself grace. I know that I am better than I was yesterday and I know that next month I will be better than I am today. 

That's where I am now. 2.5 years post separation, 1 year post full custody. I live with the threat that he will take me back to court and fight for the kids. I am going to try to make this a place where I share how I survived and what I was able to do to keep myself and my kids safe in various situations. Maybe some recipes, maybe some house stuff, maybe some teacher stuff, probably lots of life stuff. I hope that my posts will help someone on the dark days. Please feel free to reach out.